In the article entitled: ‘7 damaging parenting behaviors that keep children from becoming leaders’, Dr. Tim Elmore is quoted as saying:
2. We
rescue too quickly
“Today’s
generation of young people has not developed some of the life skills kids did
30 years ago because adults swoop in and take care of problems for them. When
we rescue too quickly and over-indulge our children with “assistance,” we
remove the need for them to navigate hardships and solve problems on their own.
It’s parenting for the short-term and it sorely misses the point of
leadership—to equip our young people to do it without help. Sooner or later,
kids get used to someone rescuing them: “If I fail or fall short, an adult will
smooth things over and remove any consequences for my misconduct.” When in
reality, this isn’t even remotely close to how the world works, and therefore
it disables our kids from becoming competent adults.”
‘Today’s
generation of young people has not developed some of the life skills kids did
30 years ago because adults swoop in and take care of problems for them.’
This is such a generalisation. ‘Today’s generation of
young people...’. Are we discussing Gen Y (aged 20-35) who, as a group, seem to
be somewhat arrogant and self-opinionated, self-interested, ‘go-getters’ with
little allegiance to others, such high expectations of everyone? The most entrepreneurial generation yet! Or Gen Z (under 20), who seem to be equally
self-opinionated, and self-absorbed, dedicated to an online life, and success,
with little in the way of moral, religious or ethical hangups, and with nearly
as much leadership potential as Gen Y.
Perhaps Dr. Elmore is discussing 5-6 year olds, who
(understandably) have quite a long way to go to develop their life skills, many
of whom do struggle with the early intellectual and social learning challenges
of school.
OK, I admit, I have met some anxious parents of 5-8
year olds who are nervous about their
children taking physical and social risks, and do ‘swoop’. But they are in a
minority as far as I can see. The majority of parents still have the ‘good
parenting’ skill to walk alongside their children, exploring risks, and
explaining ways of managing risk. They allow the child to walk on a low wall, holding their hand – until such
time as the child says: “I can manage!” Even then they hover, ever able to
steady the child if necessary.
As we well know, there are many parents at the other
end of the spectrum – they do not have the experience, the inner
trans-generational knowledge, or the
time and energy to worry much about
their kids, so they let them run free.
Of note, our research into conduct disorder,
depression, anxiety, and self-harming and suicidal behaviours, has shown
repeatedly that it is the ‘overcontrolling’ parents, jumping in to criticise all the time, who are most likely to
cause problems. The child is not allowed to learn, because the parent always
knows best, and expects them to follow the rules. Within this, ‘highly caring’
overcontrolling parents may cause less damage, but ‘highly critical’
overcontrolling parents seem to have kids who get into more trouble than even
the neglected children. Elmore says: “When
we rescue too quickly and over-indulge our children with “assistance,” we
remove the need for them to navigate hardships and solve problems on their own.”
That is not the issue I see clinically time and time again. It is the intrusive
hypercritical not-letting-the-child find ways to get on in life that is
dangerous.
Sooner or later,
kids get used to someone rescuing them: “If I fail or fall short, an adult will
smooth things over and remove any consequences for my misconduct.” When in
reality, this isn’t even remotely close to how the world works, and therefore
it disables our kids from becoming competent adults.”
Again, the children I see with a serious range of problems,
are the ones who ‘fail or fall short’, and are jumped all over by tired niggly
parents who wish the kid would get out of their hair. There are ‘too soon’, ‘too
harsh’, ‘too idiosyncratic’, and ‘too changeable’ ‘consequences for misconduct’.
The child never learns how the rest of the world sees these supposed
difficulties, and would shrug their collective shoulders, allowing the child to
sort it out for itself.
If you want confidant children, then from the
beginning you have to love them, enjoy making them laugh, read stories with
them, take great enjoyment from each and every success, and guide their pathway
to adulthood. You have to be clear about your own set of personal, moral and
social rules, and stick to those, gently repeating how you expect your child to
behave – and why! You have to be able to gain their respect because they can
see you living by your own personal, moral and social rules. If a child sees
this repeatedly, they will absorb all the skills for a successful life.
More in a couple of days....
