On Family
Of course, listening to a wide range of
theoretical approaches to working with families at the conference, and at the
same time planning to uproot your own growing family and transport it half way
round the world, makes you reflect on your own experience of families. Of
course, writing about these events many years after they occurred, and with all
the accrued experience of an old psychiatrist and family therapist also
provokes you into re-evaluating what you did and why, and the impact it may have
had on those surrounding you.
At one level to emigrate is easy. You apply for
visas, make sure you have up to date passports for everyone, and if possible
arrange for accommodation and work for after you arrive; all very logical. But
as humans we are feeling entities, and our links with others are crucial to our
wellbeing. Our sense of who we are as individuals in the world derives in part
from our family history and the place our forebears created for themselves.
Much of that information may not necessarily be discussed in detail, or even
openly, but in many families you will hear a variant on the phrase: “This is
how we do things.” This may simply be a shortened form of “This is how your
mother and I have decided we do things.” Or it can be so much more: “This is how generations of my family have
done things, and your mother agrees we should continue those traditions” (or
some variant).
You may only find out about such things if you
challenge the status quo explicitly or implicitly. An example mentioned much
earlier in this book might be my episode of stealing some money simply because
I came across it. My father took to me with a leather belt, and I must admit
the shock of that had a profound effect. I was only to learn much later that
his father had belted him, and my great grandfather had belted my grandfather
(and all much more violently than I was ever treated). Apparently that is what
fathers did to stop emerging aberrant behaviour. As Jan and I began our own
family, I determined I would never resort to violence. And I have not (unless
you count the fact that the whole family was to learn Karate to a high
standard! But that is as much defensive as offensive, isn’t it?)
I think my parents leaving for Australia when I
was 16 led me to appreciate family life in the Hughes family. I saw how
respectfully they treated each other, and there never seemed to be much in the
way of friction in their partnership. Jan’s parents were gentle people, and I
admired that and wanted it for my own future family. I believe Jan and I have
achieved that.
But my parents also took Andrea with them. There had
always been that seven-year age gap, and ultimately I did not have the
opportunity to begin to appreciate her as a person until she had finished
University and begun teaching my two boys at St. Nicholas School, coming often to stay
at Old Gates. Andrea had rented the top flat at Kingsmead Court from Bobby and Reg, and had a
flat mate. She was also close to an aunt of Bobbie’s (through marriage) who had a rented flat at
Kingsmead. Andy developed a strong relationship with her, and I was to be ever
grateful to Auntie Kate for her love and support of Andrea.
The sad thing is that our own mother missed so
much of our lives at the point when both Andrea and I were developing our professional
careers. My father also missed out, but for different reasons. As might have
been expected he was very lonely as a widower at 50, even though his post Royal
Air Force career at the British Aircraft Corporation in Bristol was
all-consuming. Very quickly after Eve died, he picked up with a Winifred Moss
who, rather strangely, had been a patient of mine at Birchington. She was a
divorcee with two daughters, one of whom became a University lecturer, and
the adopted daughter a nurse. Ted and Win were married on 27 July 1971 at
Margate Registry Office, 13 months after our Eve died.
Winifred was a very anxious woman, with low self-esteem. Rather
than taking pride in her parentage, she hated the fact that she had been born a
miner’s daughter and worked hard to change her accent and social manners,
educating herself to the point of completing a teaching degree, and developing a
social circle of friends who played bridge and enjoyed ballet and the opera.
She never talked about her family of origin. She was also a very jealous woman
and rather quickly eradicated memories of our mother around the Long Ashton house
and subsequently in several moves of house (even though Ted kept a small
private collection of precious memorabilia in an old suitcase right through to
his death at the age of 93).
She also distanced Ted from the May side of the family, and bit by
bit alienated the extended Martin side of the family who found her controlling
ways intolerable and used to tell and retell stories and laugh behind her back.
Andrea was still financially dependant as a
teenager and a university student, and experienced more contact and therefore
more frequent difficulties. Being gradually cut off from her father must have
been awful. I had less contact with Win, being wrapped up in my practice and
family. But both Andy and I became part of the alienation process; we both
loathed her ‘la-de-da’ ways and the subtle nastiness.
I am sure I added to Andrea’s woes with the
decision to emigrate. Even though I had never really been available as an older
brother, perhaps during those years from 1970 through to 1974 I had begun to
take on some of that role. And then we left, and Andrea had to deal with losing
her emerging closeness to Jan, and her love and care for our two boys. It was
to be many years before I really came to appreciate how difficult it must have
been for her with virtually no supports, and a rather evil stepmother who would
much later cause immense financial problems before she passed away. I am sure I
owe my sister an enormous apology for not being aware of these things, but our
primary bonds had been broken 9 or so years before when I was 16 and she a 10
year old – ironically when she left with our parents for Australia. The newly
developed 1970s bonds were only tenuous. It was not to be until recent years
that those bonds have been strengthened, despite the enormous geographic
distance between Australia and the UK.
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